Am I Being Selfish?

As I said before I'm having an extremely difficult time with leaving Jon. I don't know if its just because it would be so much easier to stay or if its because I want him to be as much a part of Boston's life as possible or what. Because of the difficulty, I have been thinking A LOT and paying serious attention to the way I feel about different things...here's what I've come up with on some things...

~ I don't want to share my bed. I really like sleeping alone.

~ I don't want to keep track of any ones bills but mine, I don't want to have to ask for money so that the bills are paid, and I don't want to the be one worried about whether or not they are on time. I stress about my own enough and don't need the added stress of someone else's.

~ I don't consider myself the most organized person around but there are things that have a place and I would like them put there. If I don't put them there, its on me but if someone else doesn't it grates on my nerves.

~ I don't want to have to check in or make sure something is OK with someone else before I do it.

~ I don't want to feel bad about being out with my friends, feeling like I'm doing something wrong, even when I'm not.

~ I don't want to have to be one a time check. If I say I'm going to be home at 11pm, I don't want it to be a big deal if I get home at 11:30pm. I'm not a teenager, I shouldn't have a curfew!

~ I refuse to feel sorry for people who are victims of their own life. People have been through things 100x worse than what you have and they have consciously decided NOT to be a victim. They have turned out greater than the odds they were given. And did not expect anyone to feel sorry for them.

There are probably more but that's all I can think of right now.

Now, do those things make me selfish? Are they too much to ask for? Am I dreaming thinking that can actually happen? Maybe sleeping alone is going a little far, maybe I just need a bigger bed.

I keep thinking, maybe we could make it work. Just maybe. Give it more time Sam! Maybe counseling would help, both individually and together. I think this and I think I have made the decision to stay...and then he comes home and something in my thought process changes and I become positive that it will never work.

I don't know if I see myself with him for the rest of my life. I wish I did. Like I said, it would make my life way more easy if I thought it would.

BLAH!!