jon and i have been broken up for over a month. we are still living together, no notice has been given for us leaving the apartment, no custody or child support issues have been talked about...nothing.
its too hard. i want soooo badly for both of us to be in bostons life all the time, not just parts of it. i want jon to witness his firsts and every important event in his life the way a father should...
problem is, i feel that if it were just jon and i, no boston, that we would not be together. we have simply grown apart. i just dont see a future there, us together.
the act of moving, the decision on child support and custody and who gets what are all clouded and avoided due to my extreme wanting of jon in bostons life full time.
jon wants an answer and he tries to talk to me about it but the problem is...i dont have one. and because i dont have one i feel im being selfish. whenever jon brings it up i get angry because i just dont want it to actually happen. i dont want this...
he doesnt see that he thinks im doing this so i can go out and meet someone else and do...god knows what. no, im doing this because i am no longer happy with him and i cant raise my child in that kind of environment. i dont want him to grow up thinking that this is how a mother and father should act towards each other. not that splitting up is great either. ugh
i guess ive been spoiled by such an amazing family that i want no less for my son. this is the hardest decison of my life and im avoiding it actually coming to fruition...
i dont normally pray but
god help me...
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