Tough

Scott is leaving. Moving to Texas. He had 3 interviews last Friday and I'm going to go ahead and assume he will get at least one offer. I've been as supportive as possible and I've encouraged it because I know he is missing something in his life and he needs to take this leap to find it. I've assumed that him leaving would be easier than us breaking up now. I still think it would be but he sees it differently.

At first, I didn't believe it was really going to happen. He has issues with following through on the things he says. I guess I just couldn't take the not knowing. It was always a roller coaster...one day everything was perfect and he was talking about things we would do; cruises, spending time on the boat this summer, building a car with Boston. And the next day he would talk about leaving. So, I called him out on it and told him that no one believes him anymore...that he never follows through on the things he says he's going to do. If he's going to keep talking about it and junk like that then he better follow through. After hearing him say it so many times I finally told him he better make it happen. Now he has, and I regret saying anything.

Deep down I've known all along that this relationship would never really last. I'm no fool, I saw the signs, I knew the differences. But that didn't mean I didn't want to be in it. Why I wanted to be in it...I couldn't tell ya. I have nothing bad to say about him, he's a great guy, he's just got a lot off past issues that make US hard. Maybe it was not wanting to be alone? I've kept my head throughout the entire thing and yet here I am, heartbroken. I don't want him to go and I don't know where we stand until then. I lost my self control this weekend and made some comments about him leaving that I shouldn't have. It was out of hurt. I've been so supportive and so strong and so encouraging through it all that I broke down while he was gone and let my pain show through.

I know I deserve so much more. I know that if I were ever to decide to have another child, that it would never happen with him. I know that if I ever decided I wanted to get married, that it would never happen with him. I know that, while he is a good man, he is not the man I want my son to grow up to be and therefore, shouldn't be involved in raising him (that sounds worse than I meant it to). My brain knows all this, my common sense knows all this...and yet my heart is still trying to overpower it all. And at the moment, my heart is winning.